My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
