this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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