I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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