Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
