Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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