I'm going to jail i love you
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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