This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
