I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
