peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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