so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
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