If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
True strength comes from lack of pants
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
