Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
