I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
you had me at cake vodka
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Who died my cat blue again?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
