do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
