i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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