a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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