Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
