Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
