I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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