i already hear my dad disowning me
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
