Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
