She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
