I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
