omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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