I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Randomize
