i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
