I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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