We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
