I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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