Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Randomize
