I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
