between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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