i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
