Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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