when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
