Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
