I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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