and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
