I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
