Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
