Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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