Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
