Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
