i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
two words...techno handjob
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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