he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
