anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
