i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
