and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
