I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
