Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
