Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Bring me that man meat
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
